Have you ever felt unworthy? Have you ever felt like you just can never measure up? Have you ever felt invisible?Have you ever had them worship the other one and despise you? You tell certain people and they say its a lie from the devil. That is so hard to accept when you feel it so deep down inside,when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally make you feel worthless everyday.When you can't move forward because the past is constantly being thrown up in your face. First they hurt you until your old enough to defend yourself then you fight back. Then they hurt you more because "don't you dare stand up to me and don't you dare tell anyone". When you do your labeled a liar as a way to protect "our good name".You run away but they make you go back. You hurt yourself in return trying to hide from the pain inside. Going to any measure to feel numb inside because it hurts to be alive.You cut and burn yourself to get the inward pain out because that pain stops.That pain you can deal with.You swallow a bottle of pills one day certain that this will end it all and someone finds you in time to pump your stomach contents into the toilet and force you to live another day. You hurt them back,you hurt others,and anyone else who gets in your way.Now you really are worthless, now it is all true, now you have made it true.
You are addicted for years,homeless,helpless and unwanted.You become jailed and institutionalized.You have hit bottom.No one wants you.No one cares.You reach out to God because he is the only one who can save you,but you fall over and over again. You can't understand that love,you can't believe it's real. You still hurt inside so bad. "You want to scream somebody please help me." "I can't live like this anymore." You know you can't die because a new generation has been effected by you and your pain as my pain has been a direct result of someone else's pain. Thats why hurt people hurt people, not because they want to cause others pain but because they hurt too._________________TO BE CONTINUED...............
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Arthur
Thursday, August 20, 2009
My second father
I Remember when i was a little tiny thing a man came knocking at the door. My mom answered and they stood there and talked for a while. Eventually she let him inside and they sat down in the living room and began to pray. That man was Arthur Lee and that day my mom got saved and set free from drugs and years of bondage. He took my parents stash of drugs and flushed them down the toilet. I do not remember that part but what i do remember is when my Dad got home from work he was furious when he opened the box were the dope was stashed and found it empty. He screamed "TERRY! WERE DID ALL THE DOPE GO" My mom came in with a big smile on her face and said " RICHIE I GOT SAVED" My father replied "WELL i DIDN'T". There was a lot of screaming in my house that night,but my dad soon joined the "Jesus Freaks"( as he liked to call them) on a couples retreat. We started going to Abundant Life church and Arthur and my father had a street ministry going to tell the homeless about God. If there was an ear that would listen Arthur would tell you about his Jesus. He lead countless people to the Lord and he had such a heart for the hurting.
Arthur loved children and children loved him. Arthur and my Mom ran the childrens ministry there. We had so much fun he did silly voices and puppet shows. He touched each and everyone of us kids lives and that i will never forget. His daughter Lindsy and I became friends and all i ever wanted to do was spend the night with her. I always felt so safe and comfortable there. There was always such a sweet presence in the Lee household none like I had ever felt. He made me feel wanted and loved and I loved him for that.
All of this Happened before i was 6 years old,but as I grew up Lindsy and i became best friends and spent every chance we got together. She loved it at my house because she could ride horses and we had a lot of stuff to do. I would rather go to her house. On Sunday mornings we would get up and there would be praise and worship coming out of the boom box and Arthur and Mrs Debra would minister to us. We were there congregation. The Lord told Arthur he would become a Pastor and that is what he did. First in thier living room, then at the Saint Cloud Cantery, then Charlies on 192 were he also did the youth group. Eventually we moved to a store front on Neptune Road and named it Freedom Tabernacle, until he bought The church that is now Freedom Life Church. I saw hundred of people set free in his life time and he has touched so many lives were ever he went. His Legacy will Live on because that is what Arthur Lee was about......Life.
I can't remember alot about first meeting him at 3 years of age but i do remember the last time i saw him. I was sitting at the bar in the kitchen talking and i heard his voice so powerful, it was a c.d. of one of his many preachings being played in his room. That day we stood around his bed singing " I am the God that healeth thee " and " You are the Lord my healer " His faith held strong even to his last days and before I left for what would be the last time I saw him I hugged him kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. He wispered " I love you too "
I love you Arthur and i will never forget all that you have taught me.
Posted by Cara at 7:46 AM 0 comments
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My second father
I Remember when i was a little tiny thing a man came knocking at the door. My mom answered and they stood there and talked for a while. Eventually she let him inside and they sat down in the living room and began to pray. That man was Arthur Lee and that day my mom got saved and set free from drugs and years of bondage. He took my parents stash of drugs and flushed them down the toilet. I do not remember that part but what i do remember is when my Dad got home from work he was furious when he opened the box were the dope was stashed and found it empty. He screamed "TERRY! WERE DID ALL THE DOPE GO" My mom came in with a big smile on her face and said " RICHIE I GOT SAVED" My father replied "WELL i DIDN'T". There was a lot of screaming in my house that night,but my dad soon joined the "Jesus Freaks"( as he liked to call them) on a couples retreat. We started going to Abundant Life church and Arthur and my father had a street ministry going to tell the homeless about God. If there was an ear that would listen Arthur would tell you about his Jesus. He lead countless people to the Lord and he had such a heart for the hurting.
Arthur loved children and children loved him. Arthur and my Mom ran the childrens ministry there. We had so much fun he did silly voices and puppet shows. He touched each and everyone of us kids lives and that i will never forget. His daughter Lindsy and I became friends and all i ever wanted to do was spend the night with her. I always felt so safe and comfortable there. There was always such a sweet presence in the Lee household none like I had ever felt. He made me feel wanted and loved and I loved him for that.
All of this Happened before i was 6 years old,but as I grew up Lindsy and i became best friends and spent every chance we got together. She loved it at my house because she could ride horses and we had a lot of stuff to do. I would rather go to her house. On Sunday mornings we would get up and there would be praise and worship coming out of the boom box and Arthur and Mrs Debra would minister to us. We were there congregation. The Lord told Arthur he would become a Pastor and that is what he did. First in thier living room, then at the Saint Cloud Cantery, then Charlies on 192 were he also did the youth group. Eventually we moved to a store front on Neptune Road and named it Freedom Tabernacle, until he bought The church that is now Freedom Life Church. I saw hundred of people set free in his life time and he has touched so many lives were ever he went. His Legacy will Live on because that is what Arthur Lee was about......Life.
I can't remember alot about first meeting him at 3 years of age but i do remember the last time i saw him. I was sitting at the bar in the kitchen talking and i heard his voice so powerful, it was a c.d. of one of his many preachings being played in his room. That day we stood around his bed singing " I am the God that healeth thee " and " You are the Lord my healer " His faith held strong even to his last days and before I left for what would be the last time I saw him I hugged him kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. He wispered " I love you too "
I love you Arthur and i will never forget all that you have taught me.
Posted by Cara at 7:46 AM 0 comments
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009
THE ANSWER
The Answer
Who's that girl in the mirror i see?
I don't recognize her,
do you know who she is.
Who's that girl sitting in the corner crying; looking sick
That girl in the corner crying looks just like me.
One day she woke up and all she had was lost.
She threw it all away sure; but at what cost.
One day she woke up and took a good look around
the tears started to flow till she nearly drowned.
Once the tears stop all that is left is pain
and the knowing in her heart things would never be the same.
She began to write and her feeling became real
giving her heart the opportunity to heal
Coming up with 20 different words for tears
and soon coming to terms with her fears.
As the years went by it was finally clear.
The answer she searched all this time for,
Who's that girl in the mirror i see?
I don't recognize her,
do you know who she is.
Who's that girl sitting in the corner crying; looking sick
That girl in the corner crying looks just like me.
One day she woke up and all she had was lost.
She threw it all away sure; but at what cost.
One day she woke up and took a good look around
the tears started to flow till she nearly drowned.
Once the tears stop all that is left is pain
and the knowing in her heart things would never be the same.
She began to write and her feeling became real
giving her heart the opportunity to heal
Coming up with 20 different words for tears
and soon coming to terms with her fears.
As the years went by it was finally clear.
The answer she searched all this time for,
never needed to be sought for it has always been there.
Different worlds
Different worlds, Silent voices
The bad happening from all good choices.
The day in age where we get off on sadistic fun
And fathers don't care a bit about thier only sons.
This life is like throwing flesh to wolves
It's every man for himself and anyone who thinks different is a fool.
Harsh words cut you deep like a blade
Causing strife,inflicting pain.
Wanting to die but afraid you'll succeed.
I feel so weak what has happened to me.
I try to stay strong,just don't know how for long.
I'm too hard on the inside don't you understand
This life is my own to do with as i please,
But this weight is to heavy and I drop to my knees.
If I take this pill will it kill my pain
how bout I swallow this whole bottle
and it kills me instead.
I think about these things as i sit here and wonder
why i'm still here and didn't die when i was younger.
God put me here for a reason so i must carry on.
No matter how heavy the burden or what path i am on;
I do have the strength and yes i belong.
Different worlds, Silent voices
The bad happening from all good choices.
The day in age where we get off on sadistic fun
And fathers don't care a bit about thier only sons.
This life is like throwing flesh to wolves
It's every man for himself and anyone who thinks different is a fool.
Harsh words cut you deep like a blade
Causing strife,inflicting pain.
Wanting to die but afraid you'll succeed.
I feel so weak what has happened to me.
I try to stay strong,just don't know how for long.
I'm too hard on the inside don't you understand
This life is my own to do with as i please,
But this weight is to heavy and I drop to my knees.
If I take this pill will it kill my pain
how bout I swallow this whole bottle
and it kills me instead.
I think about these things as i sit here and wonder
why i'm still here and didn't die when i was younger.
God put me here for a reason so i must carry on.
No matter how heavy the burden or what path i am on;
I do have the strength and yes i belong.
PAIN
WHY DO MY WHEELS SPIN WITH NO END IN SIGHT? HOW DO I END THIS PAIN? WHY HAVE I NEVER FELT TRULY LOVED? THESE QUESTIONS HAVE HAUNTED ME FOR SO LONG, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN THEY STARTED. I WISH I COULD JUST LET MYSELF HEAL, BUT MY LIFE AND THE TRAGEDIES IT INVOLVES IS ONE BIG SECRET. I CAN NOT SPEAK OF THE PAIN AND DISCRIMINATION OF MY PAST. I GET NO REDEMPTION FOR MY OWN MISHAPS. I AM FORCED TO BOTTLE IT ALL UP UNTIL THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN PASSES AWAY. FOR BECAUSE OF THE PAIN I HAVE ENDURED,IN TURN I HAVE CAUSED OTHERS THE SAME IF NOT WORSE. HOW DO I END THIS VICIOUS CYCLE? HOW DO I LIVE IN PEACE. I FEAR I WILL NEVER KNOW AND WITH THAT I AM TORN.
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